I printed out a list of the top 24 quarterbacks, 36 running backs and wide receivers, 12 tight ends, 12 kickers, and 12 team defenses.  I then proceeded to cut them up into little strips of paper that some out-of-town friends randomly selected. I then put each of the names into a 2 column spreadsheet, one for Coltrane and one for Emily.  In the far right column, I put a time log in 5 minute increments.  Then I waited for poop.

This was a combination of ideas from 2 readers, friends, and upstanding citizens.  Throughout the weekend, we waited for “confirmed poop” to be ruled on by a non-partial entity (my wife or a homeless dude). I’d then cross-check the spreadsheet with the time the baby pooped, draft the corresponding player and fight on to eternal fantasy football glory.

I can’t divulge who the babies picked because the fantasy football league I am employing this strategy in is filled with ruthless, cutthroat, arrogant, self-serving types that I would normally trust in any situation that doesn’t involve fantasy football.  Our draft is in early September, and I’m sure you can’t wait to see who I ended up having to draft.

As you can see in the spreadsheet to the left, if Coltrane had pooped at 12:00, I would have been stuck drafting wunderkind Tom Brady.  In this league, that would be tough as one of our members has a man-crush on Brady and I’d end up spending 30% of my auction dollars just to get him.  That would be sad.

My friend Joe was cheering wildly for poop to emerge from Emily at 5:00, as I’d end up drafting Jamal Lewis, who at one time ran for 5 TDs in a quarter for Joe, but destroyed a subsequent season for me with an injury and his general mediocraty.  Thankfully my fantasy football history will only have one instance of Jamal Lewis and feces.  

Needless to say, I’m happy with Emily’s choice, but not too fond of Coltrane’s.  It certainly is going to make me readjust my plan, which in the past has been a losing one anyway.

Now I just need a team name for this year’s season.